the self-contradicting loser that's me

Dammit!!! ARGH! Shit today i just found out i'm gonna lose another 6 marks! DAMMIT!!!
And they just gotta be on electronics!! It sux big time when you make mistakes on stuff that's so close to your heart...really feeling very bad...i'm so inclined to being pessimistic abt my A levels, and i wonder if i might lget B for physics instead! F*** i just cant express the anguish i feel in words. I really can't care less abt my studies and grades, but this is the A LEVELS! If i screw it up, i won't get a scholarship, i'll lose a 6-year employment opportunity that's part of the bond of the scholarship, i'll not qualify for a good university, and if i'm stuck in a local university with a stressful education and "overly pragmatic students", what's the purpose of living??? I've had enough of studying in this place! My school life has never been really happy, only the stress i've got just because i've always wanted to pursue my passions and interests. Great, so now i've lost the gamble, screwed up two years of JC life, and am paying the price for my A levels...and the doom is unfolding before my eyes!!! SHIT!(*$&%*#&$#@

sigh.

If i screw up my results, i've gotta get to plan B...which goes something like, "hey i've got this really sucky result slip here, but at least i'm smart enough to do ___________, so can you give me that chance to study at your place?? Pleeeeaaaasssszzzeeee?"

Maybe i shouldn't try too hard...maybe i wasnt made for this...i'm not supposed to do electronics or physics, cos i've got a mathematically impaired brain..yeah and i'm easily confused, have a very volatile memory, and i forget what i say 2 sentences earlier, i'm VERY careless, very stupid, lousy grades...yeah plus i'm always overly ambitious and overestimating my abilities perhaps...i mean, how can someone like me so wishfully hope to do electronics and physics, when my math SUX? how can i get anything right when i'm so CARELESS? How can i understand all that difficult stuff when i can even get my schwork in order???!!!

So does that mean i stop doing what i like doing best? does that mean i'm really too stupid? Perhaps i am...yeah i've not seen any proof of any intelligence in me...yeah so what if i can take 6 years to slowly learn QM bit by bit? If this was schwork, i bet everyone would master in it like a few yrs! That i do sth other pple dont does not show if i am capable of anything more than trying to bluff myself into thinking i've got some brains...i've really lost my self-confidence...after 6years of trying new stuff, doing things differently, have i gotten anywhere? Slaved so hard in the last two years, only to have the UAV project fail...man i've never succeeded even once! I don't even trust myself!

The truth is, i don't have any talent or particular skill...neither have i proven myself in what i've tried to do. and so now i'm wallowing in self-pity.

I hate it when pple say i'm good in physics and all that. The fact is, i'm not! I didn't study, and i got a D for my prelims. and pple still say i'm good in physics!!! Don't they understand that its making me really upset? So what if i can talk abt QM and think i know what little i know abt QM? It doesnt even matter a shit when i panic and screw up my papers or not even handle a simple mechanics question properly! All i am, is someone who's interested in physics, but really is an asshole who can't do physics properly and yet has the audacity to think he can point out inconsistencies and imcompleteness in the A level physics he's studying, or fret abt any incompleteness...yeah the truth is, its a way to hide the fact that i'm too stupid to understand physics!!! ARGH!

okay, i've scolded myself enough now. covered all the pts i've wanted to cover. now i've gotta get over my depression.