The 'outside world'

The past fortnight has been pretty relaxed and easy. And i find myself at home for a couple more days. This is a good thing. Gives you a longer taste of what it feels like to be at home, not bound by the stresses of school and schoolwork, nor by national service. Okay the latter is an illusion...and not a very convincing one too. But for the past four days (minus) that i've been out of Sungei Gedong Camp, its been liberating. There's a good vibe to it, even though my spectre of depression likes to haunt me and remind me of its stubborn persistence to which i can do nothing about.

Being around at home...watch TV, read the papers, read some books, surf the net; especially surfing the net, and reading blogs and poking into other people's lives and looking at photos of them enjoying the freedom of civilian life. Yes i know civilian life has its problems too, but the rules of military life are more binding. I know that watching TV can be a dangerous thing to do, because the realisation that you've wasted precious little bookout time channel-surfing and making do with some bad tv programme can immediately invoke the Spectre of Depression. Which i must always remind myself to avoid.

Thinking about my close friends...i yearn to spend time with them. Friendships are too important to lose, and i want to rebuild what i may have lost by attrition due to the flow of time. How i yearn to be free to devote time to good study and work on my artificial intelligence endeavor. Then spend time with and for family, and then enjoy the company of friends.

And as i look at the lives of others, mostly through the tiny windows that are their blogs, and also sometimes from encounters with my friends, i am constantly reminded of my own mediocrity. But i also must not let the Spectre aggravate those feelings, for these are useless and a burden. It is more important to wash away any sense of complacency and superiority, adopt a neutral judgement of oneself (that is, in other words, NO self-judgement) and keep working hard at those dreams. And enjoy the joy of life. And of virtue.

I must judge no one, nor myself, nor make comparisons. That will increase my sense of insecurity. Insecurity can create moral problems.

Keep working. Be disciplined. Hard work and honesty will pay off.