back from the ROC

phew finally back from Taiwan!!!


Its been ages man...but i feel kinda numb.
it always seems that before you go through an 'ordeal' like 'three weeks of
tough training in taiwan, on new and unfamiliar terrain, challenging to drive, and fight...you expect to emerge from it with a great feeling of accomplishment and happiness and relief.

i was hoping for that too, but part of me was also hoping time would just pass by uneventfully. And that came true...the feeling is pretty numb. of course there are some hot and cold moments, but the general feel was nothingness. just wanted to pass time and get over and done with it. which got pretty difficult sometime towards the end. and difficult means very sian.

it wasn't as if i had some other things to work on during this time. didn't feel like reading, didn't feel like working. just took out my DSTA folder, flipped through my papers, pretended to work and act busy (or act smart), but the only thing i managed was to organise them. And they're still messy. i've been doing this pretty often. its my attempt at 太公钓鱼， 愿者上钩. No catch so far...

anyway it doesn't mean my brain left my skull for a holiday for the past three weeks though...there was still plenty of mental 'noise', where numerous thoughts exist fleetingly, emerging into consciousness for a while before disappearing into the darker corners of the mind again.

now i'm back, and i feel more lonely than ever. i'm too tired to think about it, but i do want to get out of it. ...its all too complex for anyone else to comprehend. i feel insecure too. the feeling's back.

but i hope and think and believe i can increase my self-esteem, instead of admiring that which someone else posesses and feeling bad that i do not. (digression: i'm aware this is a bad sentence. too lazy to correct, yet i can spare the effort to write this. i'm always disclaiming and explaining and absolving and extricating myself. the fear of being misunderstood...)