painfully consciously awkward

This weekend is passing pretty quickly; that isn't a good thing, because we'll be confined nxt weekend for live firing. everyone dreads live firing. its tedious, its risky, and its meaningless. i guess the only purpose it could serve is to harden your balls by making you run alongside bullets and other projectiles.
5.56mm, 7.62mm, 0.5", 25mm, 40mm... no actually its not all of these i think.


anyway, i've been chanting 'three weeks to three stripes' of late. in less than three weeks, my life as a trainee will end. that of a sergeant's will begin. but there is nothing much to look forward to in 40SAR, where almost all of us will be sent after we leave School of Armour. I've heard the bad things about that place.

so there's really nothing much to look forward to in the SAF, given the circumstances that i am subject to. it isn't a matter of "conditions will never be right, so make the most of them instead of moaning". rather, i don't quite like my circumstances and have chosen not to try liking them...if there are men i have to lead, i will try to fulfil my duty with professionalism, and try to work with them in the way i worked with my friends to run RINCC, and also the VJ robotics club. i will be their leader and friend. not some overlord, nor will i be the unapproachable and fierce sergeant. i believe in soft power, not brute force. back in NCC, it was possible to tell a sergeant to carry on ten push-ups for being late for training. without sounding overbearing at all. it isn't necessary to dominate. anyway my heart is too soft to bear the sight of subjugation. and anyway i've learnt i can't reproach someone effectively by scolding or shouting. if you don't want to, i don't think you should try under the pretext of 'determination'. if you want, it may be worth your life (and i do not mean expending your life to satisfy your wants)


besides all that, i'd prefer time alone to work on my own projects. there are too many to complete. too many unfulfilled dreams to work on...my hands are more than filled. and they effectively prevent R & R (military routine and regimentation) from rotting the brain.


my section instructor once said it was difficult for him to conceive myself leading men. i believe many of my course and section mates share those sentiments...that is not surprising. the self is always running away from the glare of the outside world, leaving behind a cold shadow that is unable to interact. only a small circle can coax the self out of hiding. but that may become a thing of the past. these days it is easy to trip and tumble over my own words, both in english and chinese. when that happens, it is so painfully consciously awkward. i only seem myself in front of my mother. and my papers. and my piano (but my fingers are increasingly stubborn now). and when i dive into my ocean of thought (but i cannot hold my breath for long these days).

the self that i wish the whole world knew, is only an idol that i worship in the private corners of my mind. a figment of wishful imagination, and an aspiration which even my 'core self' resembles barely.


once again, i have expressed myself in a painfully consciously awkward manner. it is a painful and inevitable realisation.