SORRY EVERYBODY

as the year comes to a close, i just want to say sorry.

to all those who expected much of me, i have disappointed

to all those who are friends of me, i have had only negativity and nothing else to share

to my relatives and family, i've been stuck in a deep rut and can't find my way out. you can't see it, you only see my mood swings and chaotic behavioural fluctuations. its been difficult to cope with my presence. i regret that.

to myself: your hummy and your pillows and bolster and bed have been around with you for many years. we will continue to share your sorrows and depression as we have done for many many many years. please be strong, we'll be with you all the way. you can always count on us, as reliable as hummy's smell regenerating powers which were at work since you were a little baby 1 year old.

try to be strong

struggling to come to terms with life

I totally forgot it is the last day of 2005 today.

instead i'm mired in some sort of a deadlock of sadness. i start to think that this depressiveness may occur with increasing frequency until it inevitably becomes permanent and irreversible. i find it difficult to converse with most people now. its getting more and more awkward. i cannot form sentences properly, i cannot hold a conversation for longer than a few sentences before
the other side tunes out of me. i can't answer properly, tongue daggers fly all around and into me, but i am so numb i stand there to receive more for awhile. then i will walk slowly away and into hiding. i hide in vain, and while i do i take conscious effort to immerse myself in the pain. i don't even know what too say to my classmates. i lose my dignity and self respect.

pain is the refuge i take from paina circular path that knows no endmaybe i am turning autistic. i feel bad after my class gathering last night...hell i even had the impression it was on another day. can't seem to communicate, just feel as awkward as ever. dont know what to say. just sat on
the lone stool, at the back of the circle...withdrawing from the social
realm.

laugh when they laugh,
but i don't know what's so funny,
smiling to all the faces at once,
not even the walls smile back at me

increasingly i want to be alone, but loneliness is what i want to escape from.

i wish i didn't go for that barbeque. because i don't know what to say, i'm lost and i can't communicate. so lost.

if i become autistic, i just hope i get asperger's syndrome too.

i am trying very hard. sometimes it scares me how a certain thought could seem to lift me up high for a while. i get bewildered, i disbelieve, and then i fall. the ground is very hard and it hurts. i can't get up and i just want to cry like a little fallen boy. to seek attention and pity. but didn't i just say i want to be left alone?

life seems so cold and hard...i struggle to carry on, slowly and sorrowfully
i trudge along.

i'm so long aired...here i go again

there's nothing much for me to blog about actually.

the quality of my writing hasn't been good this year.

blogging has been an outlet for me...just to vent off the steam of calm down or sort out some mess within. hence most posts have not been thoughtful articles.

made a lot of notes in my notebook in the past 2 months since i started using it for the m113 operational maintenance course. but that took up only a few pages. the rest have been personal bits and pieces, technical plans and a long chunk used to record the learning process of electromagnetics.

a lot of learning has not been completed, hence no consolidation of knowledge has been done, and therefore no blogging output. but since i first picked up a book on modern physics and photocopied the chapter on quantum mechanics, i've always wanted to reorganise those facts to make them easier to understand...especially for those who have very very little knowledge and
capability in math but want to get into the math itself, not just getting contented with popular-science books. i think that while there're really bright scientists out there, they can't quite write and express their concepts properly. yes...i dare to say that most can't really teach it. the
most famous exception is probably richard feynman.

instead of a long and painful (to me) mathematical ejaculation (because it must have been pure pleasure for the mathematically gifted author), the transition to math should be gradual. and anyway, i think some books have too much math, and miss out important considerations in the formulation of the theory...giving the impression that all there is to it is just math whose
origin will always remain mysterious and obscure and solely in the hands of mathematicians.
in physics, physicists have to find the math to describe their concepts, then play with the math and relate this to the 'physics'. i hope my statements have not given the impression that math is disjointed from the physics...math and physics are ultimately dialectic in relationship, just as culture and human thinking are probably so.

i may have made my statements in grave error...wondering why ppl can live with the laplace transform in electrical engineering without needing to know what motivated its existence, and only i can't!? that took a long time to figure out, but i believe i'm right about it. OR maybe its too obvious for all but me. how can all the books not write about it? maybe that's for the math books to talk about, but i can't find it yet.

all these need-to-know urges have hindered the pace of my learning. (but is it learning or just ignorance otherwise?) it was this that got me frustrated learning about thermodynamics...for example, when we talk about speed of the gas particles, it is speed relative to what? Bulk velocity when a truckload of air moves is not part of the 'speed'...so what exactly is the speed? i've not pursued further, so i do not know if i have made a mistake in this comment, or wondered/wandered in the wrong direction.

that was how this blog was born...because i got frustrated trying to understand A level thermodynamics.

shivering with rage

the holidays were supposed to be liberating and happy and full of time to laze around and do everything and nothing. there was a hell lot of learning to be done, but its thursday and i've been ill at ease for the past few days.

something has been constricting my freedom and breathing down my neck. i know what it is. or maybe its just a self-imposed thing that grew from this external thing. my heart aches.

i just want to shout and cry out. but its all reacting inside my tiny heart and its too small to accomodate the storm within. i'm also feeling satanic. satanic rage. i'm upset. i'm repressing my feelings too. it is so painful typing this.

and when i get back to work next thursday, i would have felt that all is lost and all that. i'm so pessimistic now, i just can't pick myself up. i'm having bouts of it now and then. i thought getting out of school of armour would bring some freedom and that would make me a happier person. but i still get these bouts of fitful anger and depression. no that's not the way i was supposed to live through this week!

its christmas week, i'm supposed to live in joy and indulgence. to indulge in my curiousity! but that opportunity has only come and gone abruptly occasionally, sprinkled sparsely over the week since the start of my leave. its like a spectacular domino effect. one factor is all it needs to trigger all the other triggers and ticking time bombs in me. oh damn, i'm still trying to defuse them and now they explode. i'm so full of range. i want to get out of the damn house. just one week to do everything i want and everything for me and let everything go smoothly? please?

no that has been denied to me for the past few days. i'm not sleeping well...in fact since i got into hq armour i think 7 hours of sleep is not enough. and i used to handle late nights past twelve so well...or maybe not. but hey i'm sleeping at eleven and waking at eight plus and its still not
enough?! damn! that lethargy! or maybe its just the way things were this week and make me turn off. i know its possible i could do without sleep. i've been through it before. my passion in my work and drastically reduce my need for sleep. i'm like a dragon. but this week, i'm just less than a worm. today and yesterday i managed to pull myself together for some concentrated
'study time', and for that duration it felt like the lethargy had worn away. once i stopped, it came back and i'd realise once again that i really didn't get enough sleep last night.

i think i need more exercise. i need to get out. to do some real work outside and at home. i need to find my friends and talk to them. i need to do something. but i feel so trapped! how can this psychological maelstrom happen right in the middle of a time when i'm supposed to embark on a process to find my lost soul back?! i desperately yearn for that confident charming fearless and intelligent self that i could be, but has worn away and disappeared over time. i could be so much, and now i am less than little.

and the ghouls are crawling all over my head; ghouls who think they are smart, who like to second-guess me in every way. they try and they fail, but their manner leaves me extremely disgusted. that chronic disgust has taken its toll on me. ghouls who misunderstand me when they think they know better what sort of person i am. i hate you if you are one of them. and hell hath no fury like mine.

that's why i like darth vader.

if things get irreversibly worse from now, i'll just have to turn that way and kill everyone and destroy everything i don't like. manifest that hate into something more tangible.

i'm so confused and so irritated. i can't satisfy my curiousity and desire to learn properly because the undercurrent is too strong its distracting me from what i want to keep my eyes on.

someone save me. i am so sad. i need to be alone. i need the world to stay
away from me for a while. i need to live.

and if you think you know what i am, and associate me with blurness and ignorance and stupidity, i curse that the quarks that make up your flesh dissociate immediately. go away.

and shut up please.

happy birthday to me!

today's my birthday.

traditionally we'd have noodles (which i did) and remove the shells of two hard boiled eggs. I'm not sure if this is a Cantonese tradition, but i think its a good time to think about it.

The shells signify all the bad stuff one gets during the year, and so removal of the egg shells signifies a renewal of oneself and bidding all the bad stuff good riddance.

This 19th birthday, i only realised we had all forgotten to do this after dinner, but i think there is no problem. I've spent this weekend, and especially today, clearing up my room and reorganising my shelf. i didn't realise it actually took so long, and i'm still not done yet. the whole table's covered in sheets of paper i need to sort out. and file them. and shelf them. and i cleared loads of rubbish too. its a very consuming job, as i found out, and the dust and the musky smell of old paper make a nauseating combination. i had to take a good nap at four after doing much clearing up.

There's still the big clean up for my drawers, the electronics stuff to sort out into containers i've yet to purchase which are strewn all over my typist's table. And getting more containers for some electronic junk that i've deemed useful, relocating some junk into other containers, and relocating the whole lot of that stuff to somewhere else...like the lower cubicles of my bookshelf? there is certainly no room for the ornament display cupboard that currently hoards my junk.

and there is the 'cupboard' next to my bed that's full of junk waiting to be cleared too...

oh my the amount of entropy in my room...its staggering. sure takes a lot of energy to get it back in order again.

usually the act of clearing up provides satisfaction. not this weekend's though. it's brought more giddiness than satisfaction. and i've gotten rather grouchy from it. the act of purging the negative energy has meant some of it has spilled into me. but i will be glad when i'm finally done with the whole room makeover...that first started with a complete rearrangement of furniture. i will not be able to complete the whole project by this year (misleading use of word, given the time of the year we are at now).

so, this has been 2005's 'egg de-shelling activity'...a more practical and useful one indeed.

(still feeling uneasy and grouchy...need some tv and reading to cure it.)

misc update

great, i think i'm going for the intelligence specialist course. this week
we've been doing some terrain analysis. well i just need to list down the
stuff along a route of advance, no analysis required. but i hope i might be
able to do that some day; write the terrain analysis for my officer.
really lucky, cos in the dull days of SISPEC i dreamed up more interesting
scenarios like being involved in military intelligence. and here i am, doing
this stuff at the division level. everytime i think abt the scale of a
division, i'm awed by the sheer magnitude of the whole thing. a battalion is
but less than a ninth of a division. it gives me some pride, and i hope to
contribute in a deeper way.

its an honour, but i know its definitely not because anyone thinks i'm good.
more like they think i'm not, and therefore not possibly capable enough to
work in the combat unit. but just as well, cos the stories coming out from my
friends over there is that they'ved got rather bad, unreasonable commanders.
not what i'd like to think as 'military leaders'. there's no 'heaven' in the
SAF. i think its quite chock-full of screwed up pple who've gotten lucky
enough to get a commission. and then there are the admirable ones...few and
far between. come one...make the whole damn branch wait for something to
arrive? to do what? you see the think is nothing gets filtered down to the
level of the servicemen...you're just a machine waiting to receive
instructions. you do as you are told, no questions asked, no initiative
necessary, no thinking is to be done. the thinking has already been done for
you. you are not important. you are dispensible. you do as you are told.
damnation!

as i learnt abt that i expressed some sarcastic bewilderment, and i hope it
was loud enough for the two Majors behind to hear. the senseless things they
make you do like stay in the office late into the night until the workaholic
bosses leave and you can finally lock it up. can't they lock it up
themselves? or give a call if they need some assistance? servicemen aren't
handmaids. as a high ranking officer, your heads are in the clouds. its easy
to lose sight of the ground, where the men are working hard for you too. do
not forget them. your success depends on them, and reciprocity is greatly
appreciated.

and that shouting captain 'banshee'...the problem with the military is that
power and hierarchy is projected to the very fore of the management
philosophy. this is an important and useful tool for the commander in the
urgent tactical environment at war. BUT its also they way by which many
commanders lose control of themselves. and they think that being
authoritative and going out of their way to be imposing and domineering is
the most effective way of so-called 'leadership'. it is not. it is a trap
that commanders who lack the qualities and character fall into while
attempting to lead.

a leader and a boss are different things. there are only military leaders. no
military bosses. there is no place for bossing around in the military.

anyway, that was a very emotional ranting, because i got upset at the way my
friend was treated. i wish there was something i could do about it, not just
about my friends in their unit, but also my colleagues in HQ as well.

its been pretty busy, but i'm trying hard to make progress understanding
electromagnetics. i've always held the impression that electromagnetics and
the whole business of radar and radio frequency is black magic. much as i
wanted to learn more about it, that was always in KIV status. never really
went near it...anyway there were other learning priorities then. of course,
i'm not talking about studying for exams...never my priority. but now,
mastering electromagnetics has become an immediate priority, because these
are the most fundamental principles that govern all things electrical
engineers do. a good understanding of those principles, and some solid state
physics, and then a more general and higher level view embodied in standard
circuit analysis, i feel, would enable the electrical engineer to gain an
intuitive understanding of a circuit. in the words of some engineer who
contributed in the book "the art of analog circuit design"(?), the analog
engineer is one who can 'simulate circuits in his head'. intuitive
understanding is better than letting that understanding 'fall out of the
mathematics'.