shivering with rage

the holidays were supposed to be liberating and happy and full of time to laze around and do everything and nothing. there was a hell lot of learning to be done, but its thursday and i've been ill at ease for the past few days.

something has been constricting my freedom and breathing down my neck. i know what it is. or maybe its just a self-imposed thing that grew from this external thing. my heart aches.

i just want to shout and cry out. but its all reacting inside my tiny heart and its too small to accomodate the storm within. i'm also feeling satanic. satanic rage. i'm upset. i'm repressing my feelings too. it is so painful typing this.

and when i get back to work next thursday, i would have felt that all is lost and all that. i'm so pessimistic now, i just can't pick myself up. i'm having bouts of it now and then. i thought getting out of school of armour would bring some freedom and that would make me a happier person. but i still get these bouts of fitful anger and depression. no that's not the way i was supposed to live through this week!

its christmas week, i'm supposed to live in joy and indulgence. to indulge in my curiousity! but that opportunity has only come and gone abruptly occasionally, sprinkled sparsely over the week since the start of my leave. its like a spectacular domino effect. one factor is all it needs to trigger all the other triggers and ticking time bombs in me. oh damn, i'm still trying to defuse them and now they explode. i'm so full of range. i want to get out of the damn house. just one week to do everything i want and everything for me and let everything go smoothly? please?

no that has been denied to me for the past few days. i'm not sleeping well...in fact since i got into hq armour i think 7 hours of sleep is not enough. and i used to handle late nights past twelve so well...or maybe not. but hey i'm sleeping at eleven and waking at eight plus and its still not
enough?! damn! that lethargy! or maybe its just the way things were this week and make me turn off. i know its possible i could do without sleep. i've been through it before. my passion in my work and drastically reduce my need for sleep. i'm like a dragon. but this week, i'm just less than a worm. today and yesterday i managed to pull myself together for some concentrated
'study time', and for that duration it felt like the lethargy had worn away. once i stopped, it came back and i'd realise once again that i really didn't get enough sleep last night.

i think i need more exercise. i need to get out. to do some real work outside and at home. i need to find my friends and talk to them. i need to do something. but i feel so trapped! how can this psychological maelstrom happen right in the middle of a time when i'm supposed to embark on a process to find my lost soul back?! i desperately yearn for that confident charming fearless and intelligent self that i could be, but has worn away and disappeared over time. i could be so much, and now i am less than little.

and the ghouls are crawling all over my head; ghouls who think they are smart, who like to second-guess me in every way. they try and they fail, but their manner leaves me extremely disgusted. that chronic disgust has taken its toll on me. ghouls who misunderstand me when they think they know better what sort of person i am. i hate you if you are one of them. and hell hath no fury like mine.

that's why i like darth vader.

if things get irreversibly worse from now, i'll just have to turn that way and kill everyone and destroy everything i don't like. manifest that hate into something more tangible.

i'm so confused and so irritated. i can't satisfy my curiousity and desire to learn properly because the undercurrent is too strong its distracting me from what i want to keep my eyes on.

someone save me. i am so sad. i need to be alone. i need the world to stay
away from me for a while. i need to live.

and if you think you know what i am, and associate me with blurness and ignorance and stupidity, i curse that the quarks that make up your flesh dissociate immediately. go away.

and shut up please.