lucky isolation

its out. i was informed of my posting to HQ Armour on Monday.

i have originally intended to write about the really exhilarating emotional roller coaster the news has taken me for a ride on, but the coaster's now trapped in a sort of rut, and i can't seem to put together the details.

its rather weird i guess to be a sudden subject of envy in the eyes of my coursemates. I'm not the least bit enviable. It's my posting which is the true subject of envy. received more attention than at any time in the course. now you get congratulations and other social things initiated by someone else. previously, no one notices when i speak. i feel like a ghost. and i still do now. i haunt nobody, perhaps but myself.

anyway, there're many reasons why i have been fervently hoping for a posting such as one at HQ Armour...a job i'm told will never involve the stuff those in combat positions do. these things demand influence and domineering presence; psychologically i'm still hiding in my own shadow, keeping to myself. its difficult to find someone to communicate with in the course...i've lost touch already, and it cannot be regained. it is perhaps a good thing to throw me in HQ, the only person from my course sent there. i need the time for some very due introspection...when the private battle has not been won, the public one should not be fought.

there is some guilt and regret, but i have to remind myself (and am reminded by others in not just one sort of tone...lol) that the fault (depending on the way you see it) is not mine. i'm thankful for this luck...i dont deserve nor receive much of this stuff. but it saddens me sincerely when i think You Rong has to put up with Messers L and M. i hope you build enough solidarity with your men to withstand what forces may push you and your team apart. so that mr. L can't get his way barking around like a dog. the thought of that so makes my blood boil. its true what they say in Star Wars...fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate...it all starts from an insecurity from within. insecurity builds fear. That would have guaranteed my current vulnerable self a good trampling from officers and men alike.

James told me on monday what he'd do if he struck the HQ Armour lottery...(i don't even know if its a blessing yet. One is always cautious and suspicious of the Army and its high-level perpetrators. stuff that matters, neglected. tiny inconsequential issues, blown out of proportion.) He'd bring his books, and build his models. And now he's in Archer. him, and everyone else i look at, i seem to sense disappointment. disappointment i narrowly escaped by a hair's breadth. there is nothing i can do about that. its a sort of helplessness that's very passive in nature. bad choice of words...i have no way else to put it.

its all talked about in a very amicable manner, discussed like a joke...there's a part of it that tickles me...and i'm upset i may have smiled or laughed inappropriately...its all really very awkward really, though i should not be apologetic...BUT it must NOT be taken as a sign of arrogant empathy. if i laughed or smiled, it was because i was perceiving the 'jokey' side of it, like the manner in which it was put forth to me.

sigh...why am i disclaiming myself? I'm just insecure and very worried abt getting misunderstood. been misunderstood too many times in this course already. totally hate explaining myself...too tired to.

which is why i should be disconnected from the rest for a while...or forever.