weird feelings

hmm a new chapter of my life is going to start soon...yet there's so much unfinished business that i feel i've left. hmm actually what unfinished business have i actually got? Even if i'm not going into ns, i'd still have made the decision to pause my study of that electrical network analysis stuff cos my mind has reached saturation and only some demanding practical work can revive the need for the assimilation of more theoretical knowledge. Perhaps its the fear that i will no longer have the time to pursue my interest. the up and coming life in NS is such a complex variable...

So, with that feeling of having 'unfinished business', (which probably actually means 'i'm trying to have fun playing and you're dragging me into the toilet and making me bathe!!') i feel like i'm stuck on this conveyor belt that's taking me into this black box that's closing in on me. so helpless... this week and last weekend, the days seem to pass really slowly. its like riding on a raft on a calm river, you can't get off the raft, and you see that steep drop of a waterfall ahead of you, slowly approaching you... haha so much for metaphors! anyway, i'm full of mixed feelings of nauseous nervousness, anticipation, faint appearances of (positive) excitement...that excitement bit has probably got to do with the sort i feel before i embark on some project...in this case, my study of analogue electronics in theory has been coupled with the practical work i intend to do on the robocology project. seriously, this robocology thing may be the vehicle i ride and depend on in achieveing the dream of artificial intelligence. goodness! i don't deserve to speak this way!

yeah, looks like i dont deserve a hell lot. sure, i know more analogue electronics than most people of my age, i've done practical stuff, i believe i have the ability to do more, i've got lots of plans (who at this age doesn't?!) but sometimes i feel guilty that i've been into all this stuff for too long, and neglected lots of other aspects of me. and the people around me too. And that probably...no IS a great deal, even greater than the miniscule amount of knowledge and practical experience i've gained over these years. so i'm not really so great...only a technician with more knowledge, who's missed out on a great deal on everything else.

looking back...
primary school was a rather murky affair, but it did feel like the start of an exciting new beginning and great prospects towards the end of it. i think i was quite sociable, and i could inadvertently make some girl who never smiles smile...
i couldn't even believe it when i could make it to RI...i still remember telling my classmate next to me (who also got his 4 A*s and all of us were standing at the front of the hall), "we're going to RI!!!" so excited...and i never imagined i could be capable enough to accomplish that...

so i came into RI, and suddenly i guess, lost a lot of confidence. i think it showed as soon as my first week there, at our sec1 orientation camp. or maybe it was a little later...anyway, it was whenever we interacted with our Peer Support Leaders (PSLs) i just felt so shy...where was the confidence i had when i was in primary 5? i could acct like a joker then...but now...anyway, RI was when my life started to be filled with all those ambitious pursuits...naive ideas about a method of using buckminsterfullerene balls in cigarette filters to trap toxic stuff..that was our Multi-Disciplinary Project. (hmm at least i think i independently conceived the potential of using buckyballs to contain stuff...this idea turns out to be for real!)then in secondary two, the second MDP project was totally about some crazy idea of mine, magnetic propulsion...and i didn't understand Newton's third law...and anyway the whole thing flopped, i was really stressed, and i had a chronic cough for almost half of that year. I may have been through worse in JC, but that year in sec 2 still seems to be one of those worst years...but some really nice thing happened...i participated in the inter-house science quiz, and got individual second! as well as got team second. It was great...one of those few 'officially' achievements. and so for that, got invited to join the science club as the only non-foreign-talent, non-GEP pupil...so much for "Express" pride...haha!

the next two years were more hectic and i had more CCA involvement. In sec3 i almost fainted when i learnt i was going to be RINCC's Unit Sergeant Major...and so i had lots of stuff to do managing the unit, while attempting at futile and fledgling efforts to do my job as RICSC's robotics i/c and trying to get everyone all hyped up about robotics. i had started my foray into electronics in sec 2, and now i tried to teach electronics to the juniors...haha i can remember asking Daniel during the lesson to make sure i got my explanation of Ohm's law correct!! Anyway, i did succeed in having a good bond with the juniors...now everyone calls me 'Uncle Soo'! argh! but its still satisfying to know that i've made some 'impact' on them...haha though the psychological trauma of being called 'Uncle Soo' till this day is something to wrestle with!

So, after a hectic four years full of CCA involvement, learning and all that, i graduated from RI. I still had not set foot on orchard road with an annual average frequency of more than twice. So, i left secondary education with a little more knowledge, a great experience managing pple, but little 'real' social interaction with the real world.

Then came JC.
It was supposed to be the ultimate dream. I had visions of being able to study the science i enjoyed reading up so much (and A level stuff was the subject of science club quiz team training curriculum). At last, my 'side interests' would now occupy the rightful place of orthordox learning! and then there's this memories abt my time in primary sch and all that...to put it nicely, i thought that this would be the chance to undo all the de-sexing that an all-boys sch may have done to me. and then i'd enjoy doing robotics at robotics club too!

so much for that grand vision.
I remained 'desexed', i stutter when i talk to girls, except the club vice-chair, and tt's only because i have to communicate about club matters...and i worked really long hours in the lab and it turned out to be futile, and i had this terrible irritating club teacher, and i screwed up my studies, and then i guess i screwed up my A-levels too...

so here i am waiting to be enlisted into NS, with some terrible past behind me...something that's left of a burst bubble. the bubble never even existed for real anyway.

and having not received a reply after my scholarship application, i guess DSTA doesn't want to take that "LEAP" (as they call the taking up of their scholarship) to check me out at the interview. hey! my essay wasn't about being a good student with neat handwriting and always-on-time homework...it was about me, my beliefs and engineering, and my pursuits so far! but so much for practical experience. i guess they don't want someone who can make bandpass filters and all that...

argh this is turning into one of those posts below that dwell on self-pity and all that...I'M NOT THAT PITIFUL!

but i am...

NO I'M NOT!
Open ended problems of life always must have a solution.

i'll have my day. someday.