Technology Workplan

here's yet another technical post...

note to self:
"it is imperative that you realise that much can be achieved only with having the DISCIPLINE to stick to your plans and goals."

Nov - Dec LEARNING RENEWAL PHASE
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1. develop an intuitive understanding of electronics. this naturally implies an excellent understanding of electronics fundamentals, and necessitates a study of the underlying physical principles of current flow.

2. clear unfinished business :
- Make a replacement ribbon cable for Dinah's walkman
- Anna's walkman replacement


Jan - Feb 06 Direction Finding
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This will set the tone for the rest of the year, probably; I should not try to decide exactly what to do, but put forth several possible scenarios:

1. Fantasy Realm Building
(i.e. start full-blown on the robotics long term research project...now an extension of the Robocology concept)

2. Developing the Foundation Enabling Technologies
- Matrix Interconnect Solution (MIS)
- actuator technology
- Cerebellum Motion Management Philosopy
- basic sensor suite
- misc. ideas and technology repository

3. Functional
work on future combat systems and battle modes

But it seems apparent that we should work on 2 first, because 1 and 3 will be much easier to work on if their work or prototypes could utilise the enabling technologies. enabling technologies are so named because they enable a large number of possibilities... the first is the rapid circuit fabrication method.

CFM project log ... aka. yet another boring technical post

writing these things help do some mental housekeeping and keep the heart at ease...

sometimes you spend a long time working on something, and the real breakthrough turns out not to be the product obtained from all that effort. It is actually the renunciation of something major that signifies the real breakthrough.

This was the case for the 'development' (this is such a marketing word...creates irrational hype...but i can't think of another more appropriate one) of the zapping erasing (verb: zaperase. ) tools. One of the tools planned for was to be a very fine metal tip. this was meant to outline the circuit traces. this isolates the traces electrically. thereafter we'd use something more blunt to erase the rest of the metal. hmm its getting hard to explain without first discussing the method, but i shan't do it here.

basically, it could have been convenient to have such a fine tip zaperaser. but technical issues abound, as is always the case. the fine tip is prone to melting from the high temperature of the spark, and turns blunt very quickly, in a matter of a few zaps. and to make a line, its necessary to drag the tip along. compare this to another tool that was planned for and eventually realised, called the 'instant line' tool. Its actually one segment of a regular penknife blade, and placing the nascent circuit board in contact with the blade's cutting edge causes a line to be burnt instantly. that's why the instant line tool can last for many many zaps. If it gets blunt, we can sharpen it for a while, and its just one segment of a blade, of a set of several blades easily purchased from a bookshop.

besides, most traces are made of straight lines. i don't worry abt round component pads, for they will still be fabricated as rectangles. in the case of curves, we can spline it. if a single blade is too wide to spline with ease, its possible to sand away some portion of the cutting edge so a recess appears, then insulate it.

Hence i am done with the development of the zaperasing tools.

That leaves me with the last of the 3 nitty gritty issues for this project, as outlined in my notebook. that is, component mounting. i've resolved that all components will be individually mechanically clamped onto the circuit, which is just aluminium foil stuck on regular transparency. some components of similar height can be clamped together too.

just need to look for a good clamp material, and clamp fastening materials...

just one more hurdle to go...

nostalgic songs that revive memories

its the weekend again. what am i doing?
there's just too much reading to be done. so much to be studied and pondered over and learnt. so much insight to gain. the thought of it is staggering and even depressing. trips to the awesome national library only makes the brain hungrier and full of want...(did i use 'want' correctly?) impatience from youthful zeal...

the second week of the M113 'Ultra' Operator Maintenance course (or is it operational maintenance, or is it operator-maintainer...) has ended...very boring indeed. most of the time has been spent taking naps on the deck of that rectangular aluminium tin can, or amongst the pillars and OVM cages of the 46SAR vehicle shed. weather's been erratic, but mostly quite warm. when the sky gets dark (as it has for a number of days) and the winds blow and it threatens to rain, the ominous atmosphere and the almost empty unit premises (they're all on leave before ORD) make a good time to day dream.

but i wasn't quite in the mood to build airy castles though i wished too. day dreaming provides a great escape from the dull, boring and mundane routine of waking up at five, riding half-asleep in mum's car to the far end of singapore that is Sungei Gedong Camp (even further than Lim Chu Kang Cemetry!), lectures, tea breaks, practicals during which one idles more than 90% of the time...i was working on quickly wrapping up the circuit fabrication method project which has been a chronic intermittent(oxymoron?! no i didn't mean it that way but my english sucks) royal pain in the ass for the past FOUR YEARS. I shan't talk abt that anymore, its quite tiring when its constantly clinging onto your conscious mind. i have resolved to resolve this pain ASAP. good
riddance!

as i was working on some of that related stuff, i listened to some of the songs i had on my computer after i had exhausted Meteora in my CD drive. many of them were ripped off. some were from the VJ robotics lab computer that i was so involved with in my work there, which were in turn ripped from some CD years ago by batches of grand seniors.
but i declare that i no longer continue this practice.

each of these songs are memorable, because they've been replayed again and again while i was hard at work on the UAV project's electrical systems, especially a 'nervous system' known as the 'matrix P layer'. Its all on paper, and a lot of the design is set to change. for now, its KIV, but i'll
be back on it again only because the concept is interesting. but the methods must change. Yes...there's a second layer too. the C layer. But that was just a single concept and there was never a sustained attempt to realise it.

There is an album by Jolin Tsai. which Martin put into my computer on his own accord. Matin was involved with the UAV's construction together with Chi Hao. He's really hardworking, both with the project and his schoolwork. i get him to my whiteboard which is filled with the P layer's design thoughts to help me verify my calculations. i hate math...

There is a whole lot of J-pop mainly by Ayumi and Every Little Thing. I like Ayumi's 'Surreal', and its one of the little treats for myself when i resolve something important with a circuit or the microcontroller code. software is most confusing. I had this really difficult issue and it was a trip back home, a good bath, dinner, and then a quiet review of the chip's manual in the serenity of the living room with the whirring of the ceiling fan and my dad with his newspapers that it was resolved; with the addition of just one line of code. i had misread/left out sth in the manual.

There is Chage and Aska's 'Say Yes'...a very old song, but i've heard it before in the primary sch days on tv. Provides a comforting nostalgic feeling.

When i'm totally depressed and hate myself, or am working late late in the night in my own room at home with only the desk lamp on, messed up table with tons of stressfully scribbled paper and the windows in front of me are open, the carpark outside is almost empty, the cold wind is blowing in, i'd listen to sth like Gold 90.5 or 'you light up my life'. I've got 2 versions, by
Leann Rimes and Kenny Rogers. I like Leann's powerful singing. And 'Lonely Days' by the Bee Gees serves the occasion well too.

'Superman' by Five for Fighting is the song our class played for VJ's Music Fest. I was at the keyboard. We didn't get past the first round of selections. That was approaching the SSEF fair (i think) when i was (certainly) also involved with the report and last minute work to get everything materialise (it all didn't). And my crush was in the band (i've gotten over it btw). You can imagine how difficult the sum total of all these feels.

In January 04 while rushing a late night for the UAV's SSEF report (the fair itself is somewhere in May(?) but the report was due THAT week and my Matrix P layer's design was not confirmed!!) , when my friends chi hao and martin were trying to get the airframe done and i was trying to get out my design, and we didn't want to work in the lab so we could get away from that stupid teacher, and for a while we were at the study rooms, but they close at some
time in the night (can't remember when) so my friends secured a Council room. From there we heard someone attempting to play Coldplay's 'Clocks' on the grand piano at the Auditorium's atrium nearby. Its a meditative sound and provides some good inspiring music. esp for something as 'obscure and mystifying' as analogue electronics. (i swear rechargeable batteries and Radiofrequency design and Microwave design are really the true Black Magic) i was very worried abt getting it in time, but was also proud that less than a month after i learnt about Operational Amplifiers, i was designing a complicated circuit full of them, by manipulating some math to get the circuit i wanted (complicated doesnt mean good. and it makes you confused, drives you crazy and leaves you disillusioned. you don't even dare to draw the whole circuit out cos that feels like ripping your heart off your chest. so i,ve only tried that out once after mustering much courage and patience. with much pain haha...)

i like this...

all sleazed up somewhere in a motel in Taipei...

another misc post

i've got lots of stuff on the active project that i'm working on, which is the faster and cheaper circuit fabrication method project. i'm very very eager to get rid of it, because its been a chronic pain in the ass for about four years. The completion of the project, while long overdue, is closing in before me. i hope i don't get stunned by new problems along the way...its very taxing on me and my mind is just picking up from the military-induced brain paralysis.

its interesting how things just come to you by sheer chance. i was waiting for my mum to pick me up at the hdb block opposite Eunos MRT station, in a general state of worried thought (the most chronic way of mental suffering), when i saw a double decker bus bearing an advertisement for Denso spark plugs...sth like "better performance with sharper, iridium tips". bingo! less than an hour ago i was writing on my notebook on the train, hoping for something very sharp and withstands the extreme heat of a spark. THAT was it!!!

I could get myself one of those spark plugs, but i think its pretty expensive, and that'll not be too economical because its actually the fine tip that i'm looking for...i'll just snip off that tip and throw away the rest...(into my junk store of course...you never know when you need to scavenge sth from it. engineers don't live in a perfect world, so they shouldn't expect to fabricate perfect stuff with their perfect CnC machines in their perfect university labs all the time. to do so, one would die of complications from impatience.)

earlier today i thought i'd use a fountain pen for the zapping eraser ('zaperaser'). (explanations of what the hell this thing is will come later when the documentation on the project will be published here.) After the double-decker bus revelation, i remembered seeing fountain pens advertised on tv..."iridium tips, osmium tips, punctures a drink can without a scratch!..."

time to hunt for stuff again. woah stress leh...

----------------------------------------------------

i was pretty upset with someone today. i've been for much of the time for the past months, and i think the feeling is mutual. sometimes i think i'd rather cease trying to communicate with him. its difficult to get a clear and satisfactory answer to the questions i ask him, and they are usually about getting instructions for work and other work issues. i hate being given a cold shoulder when i'm trying to inquire about what i'm taking seriously. after all its only to the benefit of the rest that we pack up early.

i have a confidence problem, and it prevents me from dealing with people as directly as i wish to, though the tongue in my head is ever so sharp, my mouth is too tame to convey those thoughts. it pisses me off that i have to cope with this...at the same time i think its just a useless waste of effort to try to get anything out of him.

damnation! the monkey of VJC has met his match at last...vain cosmetic attempts to be imposive and domineering. worse, add to that arrogance, kuai lan, insolence.

thankfully i shall bid some stubborn pain good riddance.

cautious optimism

its been a very blessed week. its amazing how coming home to spend the night for the past week does wonders to one's emotional state.

or perhaps its the free time this gives to reflect and think about the self, to work on the phenomenal task of clearing up my own internal mess, trying to unearth my hidden self that's buried below. Just a few days of effort, and i think its already shining through the cracks between the debris. i don't feel so awkward, though i still do at times. during the worst periods of the past, it was so awkward and difficult even to exist.

i think my friends would have noticed i've been naughtier and noisier and more restless and active. i was like this in the last two years of primary school, and for occasional periods of time in secondary school, and in rare bursts at the VJ robotics lab. still need to learn to tame myself, even as im trying to embolden myself. (hmmm maybe i used the word 'emboldened' in error.)

i pray it gets better by the days, and i become the better person i should be.

lucky isolation

its out. i was informed of my posting to HQ Armour on Monday.

i have originally intended to write about the really exhilarating emotional roller coaster the news has taken me for a ride on, but the coaster's now trapped in a sort of rut, and i can't seem to put together the details.

its rather weird i guess to be a sudden subject of envy in the eyes of my coursemates. I'm not the least bit enviable. It's my posting which is the true subject of envy. received more attention than at any time in the course. now you get congratulations and other social things initiated by someone else. previously, no one notices when i speak. i feel like a ghost. and i still do now. i haunt nobody, perhaps but myself.

anyway, there're many reasons why i have been fervently hoping for a posting such as one at HQ Armour...a job i'm told will never involve the stuff those in combat positions do. these things demand influence and domineering presence; psychologically i'm still hiding in my own shadow, keeping to myself. its difficult to find someone to communicate with in the course...i've lost touch already, and it cannot be regained. it is perhaps a good thing to throw me in HQ, the only person from my course sent there. i need the time for some very due introspection...when the private battle has not been won, the public one should not be fought.

there is some guilt and regret, but i have to remind myself (and am reminded by others in not just one sort of tone...lol) that the fault (depending on the way you see it) is not mine. i'm thankful for this luck...i dont deserve nor receive much of this stuff. but it saddens me sincerely when i think You Rong has to put up with Messers L and M. i hope you build enough solidarity with your men to withstand what forces may push you and your team apart. so that mr. L can't get his way barking around like a dog. the thought of that so makes my blood boil. its true what they say in Star Wars...fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate...it all starts from an insecurity from within. insecurity builds fear. That would have guaranteed my current vulnerable self a good trampling from officers and men alike.

James told me on monday what he'd do if he struck the HQ Armour lottery...(i don't even know if its a blessing yet. One is always cautious and suspicious of the Army and its high-level perpetrators. stuff that matters, neglected. tiny inconsequential issues, blown out of proportion.) He'd bring his books, and build his models. And now he's in Archer. him, and everyone else i look at, i seem to sense disappointment. disappointment i narrowly escaped by a hair's breadth. there is nothing i can do about that. its a sort of helplessness that's very passive in nature. bad choice of words...i have no way else to put it.

its all talked about in a very amicable manner, discussed like a joke...there's a part of it that tickles me...and i'm upset i may have smiled or laughed inappropriately...its all really very awkward really, though i should not be apologetic...BUT it must NOT be taken as a sign of arrogant empathy. if i laughed or smiled, it was because i was perceiving the 'jokey' side of it, like the manner in which it was put forth to me.

sigh...why am i disclaiming myself? I'm just insecure and very worried abt getting misunderstood. been misunderstood too many times in this course already. totally hate explaining myself...too tired to.

which is why i should be disconnected from the rest for a while...or forever.

great expectations of a long long time ago

my recent interest in my own Chinese culture led me to a serach for a set of 对联, which my dad got painted some time back. It was dedicated to me and the firstword on each scroll is a character of my name.

I thought i should look at it again and eventually understand the meaning of it, since i was too young to do that when he got it for me.

I'm not good at interpreting calligraphy, but it roughly goes like this:

航天揽（？）云龙马气，
箭疾（？）刀光英雄志

Woo...those words really blow me away. it goes something like

"riding the skies and catching the clouds, full of life and energy;
sharp arrows and shining swords, with a hero's ambition."

okay chinese sounds really weird when translated into english...its not a proper translation anyway. And i don't know if i misread some of the characters (marked with a bracketed question mark).


If i understood this when i was young, those words would have blown me out the window!

I'm sure my dad must have been responsible for this sort of idea, which he conveyed to the calligrapher...who then enshrined them in these powerful words. wow...how much my dad expects from me...really. Its a tall order, but its something to look up to for me now.

of skies and clouds, dragons and horses, swords and arrows...woah...its a little big for a small guy like me, still struggling with the world and within myself. of course, size and most other things are but a point of view. Points of view are by choice.

everyone needs a rebirth once in a while...

Crawling | Linkin Park

crawling in my skin
consuming all i feel
fear is how i fall
confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control i fear is never ending
controlling/i can't seem

to find myself again
my walls are closing in
[without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced
that there's just too much pressure to take]
i've felt this way before
so insecure

discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will i stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how i can't seem...


[that's the way i feel by default.
confidence is a false feeling i coax myself into]